-
I'm intrigued MTW. Go ahead. Drop the deets.
FTR -the question in my post was meant to be rhetorical, I never expected that anyone would really want to know about my colonoscopy. But since you asked, I will give you the Reader’s Digest version.
Before I begin my story, I would like to remind you that not every word that you will read is “true.” If it were, I could have just written “true” about 400 times. However, that wouldn’t have responded to your request.
*******
It was in late June in an unnamed year. The Cardinals were in first place and the ink on my Nebraska National Football Champions tattoo was starting to fade. So it was some years ago.
Anyway, the procedure was scheduled for relatively early Tuesday morning. The previous day, I was given a gallon of some liquid from the pharmacy and told to drink 16 ounces of it every few hours until “there was absolutely nothing more I could contribute.” Then I was to drink 16 more ounces to complete my suffering.
Well, I finished at about 10:00pm on Monday night totally drained. As instructed, I did not eat or drink anything thereafter until my procedure.
So I get there 45 minutes before my procedure and was told to take off all my clothes, put on a dressing gown that opened in the back and lie on my right side on a gurney. The nurse then came in and rolled me out into the hallway. (Which, by the way, looked like the tarmac at Laguardia, with gurneys lined up instead of planes.). I asked about an anaesthetic and was told that this hospital didn’t use them because they have discovered something that could induce total and complete numbness at a fraction of the cost. She handed be an audio book entitled, “Everything an Iowa Hawkeye Knows About Football” with a set of earphones. Sure enough, the hum of nothingness through the speakers knocked me senseless within seconds.
Next thing I remember was being in the recovery room, with Mrs. MTW at my side. Within minutes, Dr. Rod Ream walked in and asked me if I had drunk the liquid from the pharmacy. I said I sure had. He just shook his head. Concerned, I asked what the verdict was. He took a deep breath with an audible sigh and then said, “Mr. Winning, I have been doing colonoscopies for 18 years and have never seen anyone as full of - -it as you.”
My wife then cried out, “Hells bells, doc, I’ve been telling him that for years!!”
*******
And that, my imaginary cyberspace friend is the story you requested.
MTW: “I think you’re right.”
Mrs. MTW: “I didn’t say anything yet.”
MTW: “I was just trying to save time.”
